You’re Really Not “Just Somebody That They Used To Know” – They’re Just Saying That To Make Themselves Or You Feel Better!?!

Okay, I know yesterday I said I’d take my “random parental reflections” one at a time, but I decided to combine two:

“You can seldom gauge the quality of a relationship or the sincerity of the feelings that kept it together by focusing on the things that people do and say after the relationship is over or when it is coming to an end.  I’m not a psychologist, so I can’t explain why it happens, but, more often than not, people say very “negative” things about and act in very hurtful ways toward a former partner after a relationship is over.  Maybe it’s some kind of a defense mechanism (i.e., they can’t (or would prefer not to) deal with the pain associated with breaking up so they work hard to convince themselves, by their words and actions, that the relationship and the person they are leaving behind was “not that important to them after all”).  Oddly, sometimes it’s because they care about the person a great deal and mistakenly believe that it will “shorten” the grief that their former partner is certain to experience as a result of the break up if they can give them ample “reason to hate” them.  I know that sounds bizarre (and it is), but it happens.  The simple, but important point here is that the best gauge for figuring out “the truth” about a relationship and the other person’s feelings is what your heart and instincts were “telling you” DURING the relationship.”


“Finally, keep in mind, that every relationship, even those that, for whatever reason, don’t work out, is important.  They teach us lots of things about ourselves.  They allow us to love.  They help us to understand what it means to be vulnerable, to be human, to be fully alive.  They bring joy.  They bring sadness.  They help us to grow.  They teach us important things about interacting with other people.  If we will allow them, they give us insights and skills that we can use to make other, future relationships better, healthier, etc.  They make it possible for us to take the next step in our journey.  For all of these reasons (and so many more), while there certainly will be tears with the end of any relationship, you will have ‘missed the point’ of the experience if you allow those tears ‘wash away’ all of the positive that there was to be gained from the relationship through a healthy reflection on the good and the not-so-good times.”

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