Let Love In

“I once asked my mentor, ‘What’s the most important advice you’ve given or received in your 30+ years of practice?'” ‘That’s an easy one,’ he replied. ‘Let love in!'” Dr. Stephanie May

Dear Stephanie,

Despite what I told you at the time, I realize now that I didn’t step into this space searching for answers about myself – how it was I could’ve done so much for so many for so long and yet still felt so all alone; how it could be that my heart seemingly knew no limits when it came to giving to other hearts in need and yet was so incredibly inept when it came to receiving love for itself; why my best – my absolute best – routinely elicited accolades from and, on occasion, even the envy of others, but never registered with me as being even marginally good enough; how someone could appear so put together, so in control of his world and his emotions on the outside and yet be so broken (shattered really) on the inside. No, I came in looking for a fight, hell-bent on finding out what was wrong with everyone else – why they didn’t get it (get me) – how they could be so oblivious, so indifferent to my pain – and when what I found instead was love, compassion, open arms, grace, empathy, and the prospect (however remote) of hope and healing, I started one.

And so, for the better part of the next three months, we butted heads you and me. Actually, I was the one who did most of the butting. Week after week, I came in not with humility and a heart open to change, but with another story, another compelling example of how I had been wronged, misunderstood, disrespected, underappreciated, overlooked, taken advantage of – unseen. In my mind, I had more than enough evidence (ammunition) in my stockpile to prove every point, a rock-solid case for why none of it had anything to do with what was wrong with me and everything to do with what was wrong with the rest of the world. I was on a mission and, for weeks on end, you just sat there – mostly in silence – never taking a note, absorbing every verbal body shot I delivered, saying just enough to make it clear you were listening (carefully) to every word, that not a single one of the thousands of tears I shed fell unnoticed, and that, in spite of my often offensive and angry words, I was welcome to come back. I’m sure more than once you wondered, as I did, if I would … if I could see that your lack of engagement had less to do with you not getting it, than with you not buying it … but, come back I did.

And then, one day it happened.

I don’t even remember what we were arguing about, all I remember is that I’d had enough – enough of you finally pushing back against the misguided narrative I’d been telling myself for a lifetime and grown quite comfortable with; enough of you calling bullshit on my tired tales of woe – no matter how compelling my side of the story presented; enough of you insisting I entertain the possibility that there was another, less self-victimizing side to those stories that told a very different tale – one grounded in a deeply wounded little boy; enough of you trying to convince me there was a better, less defensive, more open-hearted way to live; enough of you chipping away at the walls of my heart that I’d spent so much time building and reinforcing and took much pride in. And so, as had become my go-to move whenever I’d had enough, I got up to leave – without a word – and you in mid-sentence. And I would’ve left had I not seen the tears spontaneously streaming down the sides of your face – and known they were of my making. “I wonder if you realize how much that hurts,” you said simply. Sitting back down was the best decision I ever made.

With Eternal Gratitude, Don

I’m not sure what it is about the darkness that causes those lost or trapped in it to push the light of love away when love is offered and what’s needed most, but the phenomenon is real. I know, because I’ve experienced it in my own life and in the lives of those I love (dearly) and have worked with more often than I care to think about, let alone admit. And, I was about to do it again that day, a drowning man all but scoffing at a life preserver – a hand and heart repeatedly, unconditionally, non-judgmentally outstretched in love, offering a moment of grace, of peace, of respite from a storm that, truth be told, had been raging around and inside of me for far too long. Yet, the darkness would have none of it and, true to where I was in that moment, neither would I. Fortunately, this time around the light won! It’s part of the reason my go-to move now is to stay, lean in a little closer, and love harder. It’s also why I refuse to give up – on the wounded, the lost, and the lonely – no matter how many times they pull away or how effusive they are in insisting they’re “fine”, that “they’ve got this!” There’s simply too much hanging in the balance to let the darkness win!

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Just Be Love*

The older I get, the more convinced I become that, in the end, it all comes down to a moment-by-moment battle between selfishness and selflessness. What’s the “all” you ask? Everything. Literally. The “winner” dictates the way we view, treat, and speak to and about ourselves, the way we relate to our significant others (spouses, partners, etc.), the way we friend and neighbor, the way we parent, the way we interact with colleagues, “subordinates”, and staff at work, the way we compete, the way we treat and consume our living spaces and the planet, how we view and respond to those in need (indeed, whether we see them at all), the words we speak, how we spend our money, all things social media, our politics (sorry, not sorry!), how we respond in times of crisis and in their aftermath, whether we’re creative or critical, our willingness to offer a helping hand (or two!) without being asked, whether we judge or empathize, and how and whether we listen – to name just a few examples.

The problem is: We too often default to selfish. Most don’t do it intentionally, though some do. No, for most of us it’s reflexive. It’s been hard-wired into our DNA since the beginning of time, when our predominate need (real or imagined) was self-preservation. Regrettably, it’s part of what makes us human, but, paradoxically, it’s also what stands in the way of our being and experiencing what it means to be fully human and sharing it with others. It’s the voice inside that tells us to pull away from significant others, friends, family members, or colleagues in the midst or wake of a disagreement, rather than leaning in close and doubling down on love and compassion. It’s what causes us to lash out or shut down in the face of well-intended and even constructive criticism and to be quick to judge words, circumstances, and behaviors of others (friends and strangers alike), rather than seeking to understand them. It’s also the birthplace of our always needing to be right regardless of the relational cost and the “my way or the highway” mentality that increasingly seems to be the rule of the day.

There is another way. Admittedly, it’s a bit counter-cultural. Some might even say – revolutionary. The good news is: Unlike the recipe for Coca Cola® or the Colonel’s seasoning blend, it’s not a secret. Never has been. However, because it’s contrary to every fiber in our being, it requires constant and considerable intention that few are willing to commit to, especially when they discover: that their new found lifestyle will be tested and challenged at every turn; that more often than not, it will seem counter-intuitive and not what the situation, the conduct, or the recipient seemingly “deserves”; that, on occasion, it will demand sacrifice (lots of it); that for extended periods of time it may go unreciprocated; and that, at times, it can be exhausting. But the rewards of living it (to you and those whose paths you cross), the healing it engenders, the peace (of mind and spirit) it promotes, the bridges to emotional intimacy it builds, and the sense of exhale it gives way to are unspeakably rich, beautiful, life-changing, and enduring. I know, because I’ve seen it in action!

Just be Love. That’s it!  It’s that simple and that complicated. But, not just any kind of love – feel it in your bones kind of love; steadfast, not going anywhere (other than by your side) – ever – kind of love; pick you up, dust you off, and, if necessary, carry you on my back to safety kind of love; four-legged friend kind of love; constant, unwavering, and unconditional kind of love; predictable as the sunrise, reliable, patient kind of love; desirous of understanding kind of love; slow to criticize, let alone judge kind of love; childlike, honest, transparent kind of love; “your burdens, brokenness, and pain are mine too” kind of love; “together we’ll work whatever it is out” kind of love; “you are never alone” kind of love; any hour of the day or night kind of love; given freely with no strings attached kind of love, willing to get messy kind of love, run into a burning building kind of love; guide you home kind of love. I know it sounds impossible. I also know it’s not. Difficult? Yes. Undoable? No. Capable of being done perfectly? No. Worth doing however imperfectly? Absolutely!

Where do you start? With those closest to you. And, without any fanfare. Challenge yourself to live this way – to Just Be Love – with those you profess to love for the next 24 hours. What does that look like? It looks like prioritizing their needs, beginning with what has replaced self-preservation as the human heart’s predominate one: to be seen, to be heard, to be accepted, and to have greater emotional intimacy – and placing yours on the back burner. Maybe it looks like undistracted time in conversation or at play or both with your children. Maybe it looks like a book at bedtime. With a spouse, it might look like a hand held, honoring their need for quiet time, a long overdue, non-lame hug (or, better yet, end of day or break of dawn snuggles – heck, do both!), or a word of affection, affirmation, or encouragement. Whatever the “moment” brings, filter it through a prism of the love described above and reflect it back in your words and actions. I’m virtually certain it’ll be contagious and that, by day’s end, your needs (as well as theirs) will have been met, your heart and soul will be fully replenished, and you’ll not only be ready, but eager to start all over again tomorrow. And then, bring it to work!

You most certainly won’t “win” all the “moment battles”, but you’ll win a lot of them and your world, our world will be immeasurably better because of it!

*The grainy, “non-digital” photo that introduces this post was taken 41 years ago, when “love” was young. We lost A LOT of precious “moment battles”, individually and as a couple, between its taking and today.  But, we’ve also been through A LOT and we “won” our share of them – mostly in spite of ourselves – along the way. Today, thankfully, we win MOST of them and it’s attributable to intentionality and learning, through the grace of God, to surrender and JUST BE LOVE!

For The First Time … And The Last (A Prayer of Gratitude)

Maybe it’s the unprecedentedly challenging times we find ourselves in, their juxtaposition with the spontaneous laughter of a little boy I heard coming from a nearby playground, the spectacularly beautiful sunset (shown above), a dear friend’s recent reflections on the passing of an open-hearted and selfless loved one who had lived a full life – or, more likely, some combination of them all – but on last night’s walk, I found myself overwhelmed by this simple thought: Whether our eyes, ears, hearts, arms, and minds have been truly “opened” for the first time or are opening for the last, there is important – soul healing – work to be done and lots to be grateful for. That thought resulted in this prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,

 

Thank you …

For the eyes You opened today –

to the stunning tapestry of another sunrise

to marvel at the magnificence of Your creation

to seek only what is good, true, and noble

to look beyond yesterday’s brokenness and missteps

to catch a glimpse of their soul’s eternal worthiness

to see others’ scars (visible and invisible) with empathy –

for the first time … and the last.

 

Thank you …

For the arms You opened today –

to provide a place of refuge to a weary soul

to embrace without expectation of something in return

to remind a wondering heart that it is cherished beyond measure

to cradle a child

to welcome a prodigal home

to provide the added support needed on the road to recovery –

for the first time … and the last.

 

Thank you …

For the hearts You opened today –

to let love in

to expel the darkness

to offer and receive forgiveness

to accept, without second-guessing, the gifts of reconciliation and redemption

to more fully embrace and express their servantship

to a moment of tenderness and self-acceptance –

for the first time … and the last.

 

Thank you …

For the ears You opened today –

to listen without judgment

to discern what’s really being said

to hear the words “you matter” and “I love you”

to welcome an “I forgive you”

to capture Your whisperings

to get lost in the magic of a child’s laughter –

for the first time … and the last.

 

Thank you …

For the minds You opened today –

to the miracle that is our next breath

to the magic that is a single heartbeat

to child-like wonder of a bird in flight

to the value of a single trusted friend

to the healing power of a simple word of encouragement

to the restorative warmth of a ray of sunlight

for the first time … and the last.

 

And, Thank you …

For showering us today –

with Your boundless grace

with Your inexhaustible mercy

with forgiveness beyond our understanding

with unconditional love

with the gifts of wisdom and discernment

and the hope of eternity spent in Your presence –

from the beginning of time.

 

Amen.