In his 1986 bestseller, “All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten” author Robert Fulghum published a collection of essays supporting his belief that all we really need to know about how to live, what to do – indeed wisdom itself – is found not in some fancy college degree, but in the kindergarten sand pile at Sunday School. And, I have to admit, if you glance at some of the chapter titles, you likely will conclude that Fulghum has a point:
- Share everything.
- Play fair.
- Don’t hit people.
- Put things back where you found them.
- Clean up your own mess.
- Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
- Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
- Wash your hands before you eat.
- Flush.
- Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
- Take a nap every afternoon.
- When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
- Be aware of wonder.
It’s little wonder Fulghum’s book is iconic.
But, it just doesn’t align with my experience. In fact, if I’m to be honest, most of the things I desperately – albeit unknowingly – needed to know about Life, Love, and Hope, I learned after the age of 50. And, regrettably, I learned them only as a result of the immeasurable suffering and courage of our daughter, who is actually in the audience with us this morning.
It’s impossible – in the short amount of time I’ve been allotted – to share all of those things with you today. But, I do want to share some of what I’ve learned about Love, because I don’t want anyone to have to learn it the way I did or to have to wait 50 years to experience it. It’s just too important.
We tend to view and live Love transactionally. We give it freely, sometimes even enthusiastically, but always expectantly. The expectation – spoken or unspoken – is that it will be reciprocated. That our needs, in turn, will be met. And, when it’s not (or when they’re not), we withhold or withdraw our love.
I’m not suggesting we do it deliberately, though sometimes we do. It’s just the way we’re wired.
The thing is: We do ourselves, others, and Love itself a tremendous disservice by loving this small. Because more often than not, the people who need Love the most are people who, in the moment, are least able to give anything in return. They can’t even find a way to love themselves.
I suspect if all of us knew the truth about Love – that there is no force on Earth that has greater healing, transformative, and redemptive power – we would do Love differently … at least I hope we would. I’ve seen that power with my own eyes. And, today, I not only want to challenge each of you to see it, but to share how you can you live it.
A few weeks ago, a dear friend, who is an eating disorder therapist, shared this note from one of her clients. It’s one of the most beautiful statements on the power of unconditional Love I’ve ever read:
“You showing – and showering me with – unconditional love helped teach me about self-love, which was a crucial part in my growth and healing! When you would say ‘I love you’, I was discovering for the first time that I was worthy and lovable just for being me.
Even though I had an eating disorder, even though I wasn’t perfect, even though I made – and was making – mistakes … I was lovable! There are NO WORDS to express the value in that, the healing in that. I think love is also what helped me heal my perception of myself and others.
If I had to sum it up it honestly it wasn’t food or groups or therapy but the experience of feeling loved unconditionally that affected me more than anything else. I think if someone with an eating disorder could simply experience that kind of love for a long period it’d be incredibly beneficial in their healing.
An eating disorder will convince you that you can hate your body into a version you can love. But love doesn’t work like that.
Where the eating disorder takes up space, Love will hold it. Where the eating disorder disregards, Love will witness. While the eating disorder blames, Love stays curious. Where the eating disorder whispers untruths, Love stays truthful. Where the eating disorder empties, Love fills up.
You taught me that there is no hate, no matter how black that can ever dim the light of love. Like a moth to a flame, I was drawn to the indomitable strength of one being so comfortable, so sure, that there was a way out of this prison. I had no choice but to jump the chasm, reaching for the light.
And then, I flew.”
Imagine giving someone – everyone – a GIFT like that. The good news is: You can! And, despite what the world would have you believe, your ability and capacity to give it are inexhaustible. I want to close with a piece I wrote for my blog a few years back, shortly after my wife and I reunited after a separation.
It’s entitled, “Just Be Love”
The older I get, the more convinced I become that, in the end, it all comes down to a moment-by-moment battle between selfishness and selflessness. What’s the “all” you ask? Everything. Literally. The “winner” dictates:
- the way we view, treat, and speak to and about ourselves,
- the way we relate to our significant others (spouses, partners, etc.),
- the way we friend and neighbor,
- the way we parent,
- the way we interact with colleagues, “subordinates”, and staff at work,
- the way we compete,
- the way we treat and consume our living spaces and the planet,
- the way we view and respond to those in need (indeed, whether we see them at all),
- the words we speak,
- how we spend our money,
- all things social media,
- our politics (sorry, not sorry!),
- how we respond in times of crisis and in their aftermath,
- whether we’re creative or critical,
- our willingness to offer a helping hand without being asked,
- whether we judge or empathize, and
- how and whether we listen – to name just a few examples.
The problem is: We too often default to selfish. Most don’t do it intentionally, though some do. No, for most of us it’s reflexive. It’s been hard-wired into our DNA since the beginning of time, when our predominate need (real or imagined) was self-preservation. Regrettably, it’s part of what makes us human, but, paradoxically, it’s also what stands in the way of our being and experiencing what it means to be fully human and sharing it with others. It’s the voice inside that tells us to pull away from significant others, friends, family members, or colleagues in the midst or wake of a disagreement, rather than leaning in close and doubling down on love and compassion. It’s what causes us to lash out or shut down in the face of well-intended and even constructive criticism and to be quick to judge words, circumstances, and behaviors of others (friends and strangers alike), rather than seeking to understand them. It’s also the birthplace of our always needing to be right regardless of the relational cost and the “my way or the highway” mentality that increasingly seems to be the rule of the day.
There is another way. Admittedly, it’s a bit counter-cultural. Some might even say – revolutionary. The good news is: Unlike the recipe for Coca Cola® or the Colonel’s seasoning blend, it’s not a secret. Never has been. However, because it’s contrary to every fiber in our being, it requires constant and considerable intention that few are willing to commit to, especially when they discover: that their new found lifestyle will be tested and challenged at every turn; that more often than not, it will seem counter-intuitive and not what the situation, the conduct, or the recipient seemingly “deserves”; that, on occasion, it will demand sacrifice (lots of it); that for extended periods of time it may go unreciprocated; and that, at times, it can be exhausting. But the rewards of living it (to you and those whose paths you cross), the healing it engenders, the peace (of mind and spirit) it promotes, the bridges to emotional intimacy it builds, and the sense of exhale it gives way to are unspeakably rich, beautiful, life-changing, and enduring. I know, because I’ve seen it in action!
Just be Love.
That’s it! It’s that simple and that complicated. But, not just any kind of love –
- feel it in your bones kind of love
- steadfast, not going anywhere (other than by your side) – ever – kind of love
- pick you up, dust you off, and, if necessary, carry you on my back to safety kind of love
- four-legged friend kind of love
- constant, unwavering, and unconditional kind of love
- predictable as the sunrise, reliable, patient kind of love
- desirous of understanding kind of love
- slow to criticize, let alone judge kind of love
- childlike, honest, transparent kind of love
- “your burdens, brokenness, and pain are mine too” kind of love
- “together we’ll work whatever it is out” kind of love
- “you are never alone” kind of love
- any hour of the day or night my heart is open for business kind of love
- given freely with no strings attached kind of love
- willing to get messy kind of love
- run into a burning building kind of love
- guide you home kind of love
I know it sounds impossible. I also know it’s not. Difficult? Yes. Undoable? No. Capable of being done perfectly? Not a chance. Worth doing however imperfectly? Absolutely!
Where do you start? With those closest to you. And, without any fanfare. Challenge yourself to live this way – to Just Be Love – with those you profess to love for the next 24 hours. What does that look like? It looks like prioritizing their needs, beginning with what has replaced self-preservation as the human heart’s predominate one: to be seen, to be heard, to be accepted, and to have greater emotional intimacy – and placing yours on the back burner. Maybe it looks like undistracted time in conversation or at play or both with your children. Maybe it looks like a book at bedtime. With a spouse, it might look like a hand held, honoring their need for quiet time, a long overdue, non-lame hug (or, better yet, end of day or break of dawn snuggles – heck, do both!), or a word of affection, affirmation, or encouragement. Whatever the “moment” brings, filter it through the prism of the Love described above and reflect it back in your words and actions. I’m virtually certain it’ll be contagious and that, by day’s end, your needs (as well as theirs) will have been met, your heart and soul will be fully replenished, and you’ll not only be ready, but eager to start all over again tomorrow. And then, bring it to work! Bring it to the internet.
Here’s my promise if you will: You most certainly won’t “win” all the “moment battles”, but you’ll win a lot of them and your world, our world will be immeasurably better because of it!
donblackwell 